Over the years, Disney has produced so many memorable characters that we cant even remember them all. But even as our memory fails, the non-biodegradable Happy Meal toys will remain forever, leaving Martian scholars to contemplate the sociological significance of Flick, Flit, Flubber, Flounder, and Pocahontas Canoemobile. Although it was hard to narrow it down to ten, here are our picks for the most beloved whatisnames in the Disney pantheon.
10. Carpet (Aladdin)
This ain’t your grandmas carpet (unless your grandma owns a Persian rug). Halfway through the film, Aladdin and Jasmin share a moment of passion on top of Carpet, essentially making Carpet the third member of an unwitting threesome. But Carpet lacks any actual body parts, preventing him from being sexualized by those demented children in the audience who later grew up to be Meeko-raping adults (see #8).
Although many dismiss Carpet as a two-dimensional character, he has many layers of depth when rolled up for compact storage.
9. Gadget Hackwrench (Rescue Rangers)
Gadget Hackwrench is a mouse who likes gadgets, or something like that. Her crotch resides somewhere between her knee and lower thigh.
In the episode, A Fly in the Ointment, a machine created by Professor Nimnul mixes up the Rangers heads and lower bodies. Gadget trades bodies with Dale, granting both characters the anatomy of the opposite sex. Gadget immediately becomes aware of her lack of pants and covers up her absent but implied penis, while Dales gaze is immediately drawn to “his fanny. As a child this made me feel funny, like funny in a ticklish squirmy way that makes you cross your legs real tight. Adding to this feeling was the fact that I needed to pee. I ultimately relieved myself in a potted plant to ensure that I didn’t miss a moment of this episode and its strange-yet-stimulating violation of the cartoon bodies on display.
8. Meeko (Pocahontas)
Meeko is greatest sidekick ever. So great, in fact, that he merits a sidekick of his own (that flying teal/magenta thing). Hes also a good role model for the kids, encouraging them to eat their 17th Century English hardtack.
(Above: Meeko eats hardtack while looking coyly at his sidekick.)
Fun Fact: Hasbro’s plush Meeko is the number-one selling item among plushophiles—from the Greek philia (love) and plusho (having sex with Meeko).
(Above: Meeko yiffs in hell.)
Hasbro’s Meeko is so popular among the yiffers that they use it as a standard unit of measurement when expressing the length of another yiffable object: for example, a taxidermied owl, being three-quarters of Meekos length, would be measure 0.75 Meekos on the Meekometer. When pressed to comment on this affront to both human sexuality and the metric system, Hasbro’s official spokesperson had the following to say: Well, he isa cute little guy.
7. Mickey Mouse (Merchandise)
Did you know that the Disney logo used to be a character? Mickey was his name, but he hasn’t been in a movie for a really long time. Mickey was a jet-black mouse who always wore white-face. The phrase slip them a mickey originates from a deleted scene in Steamboat Willie, wherein the lovable mouse drops a tab of chloral hydrate into Goofy’s lemonade. All surviving footage of that scene has since been locked away in the Disney vault, along with Walt’s frozen brain (not to be confused with Hitlers frozen brain).
[Above: A venn diagram showing the categories of Mickeys cranial anatomy]
6. The Hunter (Bambi)
The death of Bambi’s mother is famous for jerking tears from even fullest grown of full-grown men. The dialog reads like a 911 call: Faster Bambi! Don’t look back. Keep running! Keep running! BOOM. We hear that final, ringing shot that puts her life to an end. My friend called it the money shot, which I thought was crass.
The hunter never appears onscreen, manifesting only as an unseen harbinger of death. The murder of Bambi’s mother invoked the harsh reality of losing a loved one and made for an incredibly sad scene, particularly for children. It was also sad for hunters because Bambi got away.
(Above: This man cried because Bambi and his mother cant be reunited on someones wall)
Bambi, of course never looks back as he flees into the thicket, which is probably a good thing, because if he had, he probably would have just watched his mom getting ground into venison sausage.
5. Hiss (Robin Hood)
In Disney’s Robin Hood, Hiss is a sadomasochistic snake that gets beaten regularly by Prince John—in other words, hes a metaphor for the Princes trouser snake. In one scene, Hiss gets drunk by swimming in a barrel of wine, serving as a cautionary tale on the perils of whiskey dick. In another scene, we are treated to a profound metaphor for sexual repression when Hiss becomes aroused by the sight of Robin Hood in drag, only to be violently crammed into a basket by Prince John. In the clip below, we see the prince letting out some of this pent up frustration on his snake.
Aside from classic psychosexual cartoon violence, Disney’s Robin Hood also features one of the most nostalgically catchy theme songs of all time.
4. Chip (Beauty and the Beast)
Beauty and the Beast features an ensemble cast of servants cursed to live as anthropomorphic housewares, ranging from a sultry candle-holder named Pierre to a paranoid medicine cabinet named Antoine. Among these plucky personalities is Chip, a servants child who has taken the shape of a cracked teacup.
(Above: Chip nervously hopes that this person doesn’t intend to throw him out for being a crappy cup.)
Once the curse is lifted and the servants are human again, Chip appears as a small boy with a chipped tooth. Adorable. But when we consider the location of the damage to his teacup body, he probably should have looked something more like this after turning to human form:
(Above: Chip IRL)
3. Frank (Rescuers Down Under)
If you can dredge up any memories from the Rescuers Down Under they probably center around everyone’s favorite spastic lizard, Frank:
Frank is a neurotic who breaks into tears when a Koala tells him that poachers will turn him into a womans purse. The character foreshadowed a generation of children afflicted with ADHD who identified with the lizard and feared they would therefore be turned into personal luggage.
(Above Frank as a lady’s handbag)
2. David Spade (The Emperors New Groove)
David Spade is the hero of The Emperors New Groove, now in theaters ten years ago. Spade lent the film a satirical edge with cutting remarks such as talk to the hand, and yeah right. Spade represented a bold new direction for the Disney brand — this ain’t your grandparents Little Mermaid Disney; this is Shrek Disney, if Disney made Shrek. David Spade once appeared in a TV sitcom on a channel other than the Disney channel, demonstrating his versatility.
1. Governor Radcliffe (Pocahontas)
During the hotbed of dissent that was the 1990s, Radcliffe emerged as a controversial figure. When he sang of the natives in the musical number Savages, one of the lines originally read, Their whole disgusting race is like a curse! But Disney, believing that racists should express their hatred in politically correct terms, changed the line to This is what you get when races are diverse!
Radcliffe can be seen wandering around Disneyland, where young people weaned on images of his sable pigtails and scalloped purple cuffs can have their picture taken with the legend himself.
(Above: Besides stealing land from the Indians, Radcliffe also stole his outfit from Darkwing Duck)