The Romney campaign suffered a setback this week with the release of a hidden-camera video in which Romney seemed to write off a huge proportion of the American population as freeloaders: “There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what,” the candidate told a group of wealthy donors. “There are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent on government, who believe that that they are victims, who believe that government has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing. My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”
These remarks caused considerable consternation in the left, and even some high-profile groaning on the right. However, Romney has refused to distance himself from the position. In fact, the 47 percent who pays no income tax isn’t the only demographic Mitt has decided not to pursue— in the full version of the video, he mentions several other buckets of the population who he might as well not bother campaigning to:
- The 2 percent of the 99 percent who aren’t convinced they’re going to be part of the 1 percent once their jet ski repair business picks up.
- The 39 percent of Americans who are not yet fully committed to the Vagina Denialist movement.
- The 77 percent of his high school class who called him “Sitt Wrongly” after he fell out of his chair on two occasions.
- The 27 percent of the working poor who will be dead within a year of Paul Ryan’s budget taking effect anyway, so who cares.
- The 16 percent of Americans who actually know what the whole deal with Mormonism is.
- The 12 percent of his household staff who were fired for making eye contact with Ann Romney’s horse.
- The 33 percent of major-label rappers who haven’t sworn their eternal allegiance to the Illuminati.
- The 20 percent of his sons who will be arbitrarily cut out of the will by a dice roll, just to keep them all on their toes.
- The lowbrow 88 percent of yacht owners who subscribe to Yacht Fancy Magazine instead of the superior Yachtsman of Surpassing Discernment Quarterly.
- The 80 percent of Ron Paul supporters who will simply never find Romney’s policies catastrophically ridiculous enough for their tastes.
- The 7 percent of Americans who have seen the 1988 John Carpenter movie They Live.
- The 5 Percent Nation, who believe Romney was created in a laboratory by the evil scientist Yacub.
- The 30 percent of Republican congressmen who might embarrass him at a fundraising dinner by pronouncing it “Mo-way” instead of “Mo-wet.”
- The 0.00000008 percent of Americans who one time said “keep truckin'” and tried to high five him.
- The 8 percent of his campaign staff who call him “Big Love” behind his back, plus the 31 percent who call him that to his face.
- The 22 percent of registered Republicans who, in a recent poll to gauge his likeability, responded “So Unlikeable We Actually Noticed.”
- 100 percent of the employees of Bain-owned companies, who have been converted into miniature corporations and must vote however the board tells them or be sold to China.
- The 12.6 percent of Americans who, y’know, “look like Obama voters,” if you catch his drift.
- The top 10 percent of the 1 percent, who are too busy voting for real stuff (like Supreme Wizard of the Bohemian Grove) to waste time with our absurd democratic farce.
- The 52 percent of Americans who love updog– (What’s updog?) (it’s a dog on top of a car.)
- The 4 percent of the extremely wealthy who came by it honestly.
(Thanks to my friends @Mobute and @weedguy420boner for joke contributions)
– Dr. David Thorpe, somethingawful.com/