When the Hunch in the Punch is Moonshine

So I was hanging out with my buddy Brick one night when I got a call about a party. I usually don’t go to a party on such short notice, but from what I heard, this one was “off the charts.” Apparently, it was wild and the liquor was flowing free. Naturally, Brick had taken down half of a case of Bud before he even reached my place that night, but he was still ready to go. In case you’re wondering, we didn’t call him Brick because he was stupid; it was because he was massive and solid. Try messing with him and you’ll end up looking like you got into a fight with a bullet train…

So back to the story. I’ve never been able to get flat on my ass drunk, and Brick wasn’t even half way to being tipsy. We were thinking we’d drink these poor saps out of house and home, maybe get laid if there were any decent looking girls and be on our way out before we pissed anybody off.

So we get to this party and, surprise surprise, it’s nowhere near as wild as it was made out to be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad party, but the pool wasn’t exactly the giant jell-o shot that I expected it to be.  For that matter, there wasn’t even a pool.

So we’re there having a few drinks while talking to a couple of girls who were just kind of sitting in the corner. Next thing we know, a cooler like the ones they dump on coaches after a big win appears in the kitchen. Whatever was in it was neon green, as if someone had drained the ink out of a green highlighter and used it to color the water. Needless to say, the stuff didn’t taste like it was alcoholic, but everyone knew it was.

Brick had seven glasses of the punch before I figured out it was spiked with moonshine… You know, that 180 proof colorless liquid that can peel the paint off of a car? Yeah, at this point he’s completely plastered. I’m trying to keep him from drinking more so he doesn’t pass out naked on the lawn like my other friend likes to do on a semi-frequent basis. I finally decide to leave him alone after he takes a half-hearted swing at me.

At this point, I’m kicking back with those girls we were talking to earlier when I suddenly get a text from a friend of mine (we’ll call him Jeff) asking if I could edit his paper, saying that he’d do the same for me. This is when I remembered that I had a paper worth a letter grade due the next day. My test average isn’t exactly spectacular in this class.

I’m feeling fine, but I know I shouldn’t drive as I’d probably get caught speeding and blow above a .08. I ask Jeff for a ride and offer a favor… We’ll make that a story for another time. While he’s on his way and I’m with these girls, I see Brick walking by alongside what looked to be a dude wearing a wig. Turns out it really was his hair.

I said, “you sure you know what you’re doing, bud?” Brick looks at me like I’m nuts, laughs, and keeps walking. About 10 minutes later, Jeff gives me a ring. “I got a test tomorrow and you got two minutes, then I’m outta here. I’m by the entrance of the complex.” I jump up and pull off an insane feat of strength by tearing Brick away from the he/she. We’re full-on sprinting to the car and I see Jeff sitting on the hood laughing his ass off. We got back in one piece and I whipped out a good paper. To this day, though, I still don’t know what Jeff was laughing at. Oh, and Brick still swears it wasn’t a dude.

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